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PHIL LOSSIFER
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Dear Mr. Chase an' Mr. Pitkin:
I have a problem with your suppliers when purchasin' somethin' from yer outlets. (Have the same trouble with Lowes, but that's another story). BW wanted a new Trex porch which I bought fer her. However that warn't enuf, usually ain't, as most husbands know, so she hied herself up t' yer emporium t' check things out, because now she wanted porch furniture. Settled on some wood stuff made in Brazil, was on sale so, like a dang fool I figgered warn't much t' puttin' some boards t'gether, bein' I'm a mechanical genius an' all. But, there's a snit or two I'd like t' make yer acquaintance with.
First, hadta find English instructions, which were in Spanish, French, an' coupla other langwidges I warn't conversant with. Knew I was in trouble when the salesman sed any kid could put it t'gether, bein' past kid years by 'bout fifty years!
Took the stuff outta the box an' lo an' behold, there were instructions. Put part A to Part B, glue it, an' put screws inta the proper places. Glue I could do, but them screws were another story. Here's where things got hairy:
It seems the manufacturer don't like Phillips head screws, which kin be put in with a battery-powered $99.99 screwdriver. Screws had square holes an' right off there was a problem. Whomever made holes din't use the right size drill, so when I put the screws inta the holes they sat outside waitin' t'be invited in proper like, or t' be swatted with a hammer. Which wasn't couth, since BW doesn't like hammer bruises on her furniture. Started lookin' fer cuss words but they warn't furnished, so I hadta make up m'own!
T' tighten up the screws they put somethin' called an allen wrench inta each box. Started tightenin' stuff up, wrist got sore. Periodically these wrenches fly on the floor, by their own volition, t' make me get up, walk 'round the chair, pick it up, behold, took off a'gin. Reminded me o' my lower teeth; git flight time they fly 'round so much! That thing could fly when it jumped away from the job. Musta been a union wrench. It was jes undersize enuf, couldn't get a hold on it, y'guessed it, on the floor again. Ain't much inta exercise, don'tcher know, must o' lost ten pounds chasin' that dang wrench.
Fortunately, had 'nother what fitted better. Bored out the holes the right size, put the thing t'gether an BW was happy. What shouldda been a half-hour job lasted half a day, an' I ain't started the other one yet.
So, Mr. Chase an' Pitkin, don't yer think in this day an' age yer could find a better way t' put things t'gether? What's more, used all the cuss words an' yer know how long that's gonna take at confession, 'splainin' where they went. Very Truly Yers, thinner an' sore hand, Phil.
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